Say what?!

	Here's a bit of whimsy; something to make you chuckle. I've been playing Dungeons & Dragons since 1976, and during that time, the players in my campaign have said a few ridiculous things. Here's a few of the more memorable things they've said. Player references are out of character quotes. Character references are lines spoken in character.

	Solmar the Paladin: If we kill him he's only dead! What was the Paladin trying to say? We should keep him alive so we could torture* him? Paladins say the funniest things sometimes.*
	Grenco the Whisper Gnome: Am I surrounded by ass holes? Solmar the Warforged: At your height you are..
	In an effort to communicate with their invisible 'Unseen Servant', the DM has explained that 'Unseen Servant' cannot speak. Undaunted, one particular player thinks he's come up with a way to communicate with the 'Unseen Servant'. Player: Can the 'Unseen Servant' shake it's head yes or no?
	Character: Oh no, there's a Bat insignia above the door. Now we're Fxxked!
	While exploring an underground lake, the party's boat is attacked by a group of giant crocodiles. DM: You're attacked by six man eating 'Crotchodiles', what do you do? Players: We surrender!
	While exploring an underground lake, the party's boat is attacked by a giant crocodile. The crocodile's immense teeth have perforated the boat, riddling it with savage tears, and immense gashes. The boat is beginning to sink; with water pouring in through several holes in the bottom of the boat. One particular player has come up with a plan to stop the boat from sinking. Player: What we'll do is break up some spears in order to plug the holes.
	While exploring a trap ridden dungeon complex, the DM rolls some dice, and exclaims - Ah, hah! Player: I'm detecting traps, so it can't be a trap!
	Sometimes a DM can mess with a party simply by rolling dice, and chuckling softly to himself. Player: Do I know them? DM: Know who? Player: The people that might be there.
	During one particular session, the party was 'discussing' a difficult situation where they couldn't agree on a course of action. In an effort to move the adventure along, the DM had this to say about the current state of affairs. DM: Arguing about arguing is arguing, believe it or not.
	Three of the party's characters are caught in the smothering grasp of a deadly monster. They're about to suffocate any minute. Player: I know, I'll drop a wall of ice on it. DM: Your characters won't feel so hot after that.
	Player: Playing D&D is the only time I can kill people and not get in trouble.
	After a character has been bitten by a snake, players typically assume their character has been poisoned. Player #1: Don't drink that potion of neutralize poison, nothing's happening. Player #2: I better take the potion or he'll paralyze my tits or something.
	While scaling a sheer cliff face, the frayed old rope broke, plunging one particular character down into the fathomless chasm below. Player: But the rope didn't break on 'Poltergeist'!
	While exploring the ruins of a 'Forbidden City', one particular character is cursed with a beard that grows at a rate of 3 inches per round. Player: I know, I'll connect a grapple to the end of my beard and we can use it to climb out of here. Player: I know, I'll let my hair fill the entire valley, then we can call this the 'Forbidden Hairball'.
	Enemy Guards to characters: Surrender, or taste the wrath of our blades! The Paladin in the party: Goons! I'm going to slit your throats. The DM's response: Sounds like a true Paladin.
	The Paladin in the party decides to interrogate a captured enemy. Character: You better give me some good answers or I'm gonna cut your sackage off. I can do that cuz you're evil!
	While exploring some ruins, the party discovers an old well. One particular player immediately blurts out this urgent question. Player: Is the door to the well unlocked? You never know, it might be a walk in well. DM: What?
	During combat with a Stone Golem, one player displays his impeccable logic. Player: It can cut stone, it defeated an Iron Golem.
	On the verge of combat with the dungeon's 'Boss' monster, one particular player relays his course of action. Player: I commit suicide. DM: Why? Player: Because I don't want to die.
	One particular player is protesting the fact that his character has just fallen into a pit trap. Player: No way, us Dwarves can't fall, we're too short!
	The party has administered a 'Truth Serum' potion to a prisoner, and begins their interrogation. Character: Do you know what that puppy dog is? Sometimes a DM can mess with a party by introducing an obviously innocuous and innocent NPC into the mix. :-)
	The following statement was made by a character, while the party of adventurers were searching one of the rooms, in an abandoned house, in the module 'The Sinister Secret of Saltmarsh' (UK1). The room happened to be an old ransacked library. Player: O.k. We quietly book across the room and check out the books DM's reply: Do you have a library card?
	Player: My character goes up to the prisoner after he has been ungaged, and asks.. Character: Why are you evil?
	Character: Troll, we have a freshly killed Gorgon here. Will you let us pass if we let you have it? Troll: ...Umm, o.k. Character: All right boys, let 'im av it!
	Player: So we need to save the town of Orlane from an unknown menace. Where exactly is Orlane? DM: Orlane is a small town located between a festering swamp and the 'Dark Forest' of Winterwood. Player: Let me get this straight, this town is located between a 'Festering Swamp' and a 'Dark Forest', and they're wondering why they're having problems? Player: Oh, a 'Dark Forest'; why aren't there any 'Light Forests' in this world? DM: There has to be a 'Dark Forest', where else would the bad guys come from?
	On board the SkyShip Corona. Player: I head down to the brig, to talk to the prisoners. DM: Ok, you're at the brig. Player: Wait; I want to stop at the armory, and see if I can examine one of those standard issue daggers. Perhaps that was the murder weapon. Where's the armory on this ship anyway? DM: Hmm, let me check the map. Oh, it's right here, next to the brig. Player: Of course it is; where else would the prisoners get the weapons they need to take over the ship, after they escape from the brig.
	Player: Like I said, we're moving around and all; searching for secret walls and stuff.
	One particular players character has sunken beneath the surface of a pit filled with mud. In danger of suffocating, he's come up with a brilliant plan Player: I know, I'll cast a 'Create Food and Water' spell, and swim out in the food.
	DM (reading a monster's description): Troglodytes are a warlike race of reptilian humanoids, with frog like characteristics... When angered or engaged in melee, troglodytes secrete an oil that smells extremely disgusting... Player #1: What language do they speak? Player #2: French. (Note from author: If you're French or a Troglodyte (or a French Troglodyte), don't bother emailing me regarding your offense to these comments. I couldn't care less. It's humor. Get it? Ha ha, and such..)
	Character: I'm an elf. I'm interested in everything - except stuff that isn't interesting.
	The DM's best allies '82: The DM's best allies are 'Chaos and Panic' The DM's best allies '83: The DM's best allies are Chaos, Panic and Paranoia' The DM's best allies '84: The DM's best allies are Chaos, Panic, Paranoia and dissent among the players'

Author: Robert L. Vaessen e-mail:
Last updated:

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